Things that shouldn't bother me

an entirely unnecessary deep dive into my personal triggers

Right.

I need to get something off my chest.

And before I do, I need you to remember that I’m actually really laid back. Ask anyone. Now please bear that in mind while I launch into a post about how I absolutely, am not.

I swear I didn’t used to be like this. But something happened and now I don’t have the energy to pretend certain things don’t have me wanting to lie face down on the floor.

So here we are.

Triggered, listing it and sharing it with the internet because apparently that’s who I am now.

1: A fucking thumbs up

I just sent you a twelve minute voicenote, covering at least ten different topics including (but not limited to) an emotional breakdown, a boozy brunch, the dogs surgery, my son leaving home and at least one unsolved mystery.

And all I get back is a single, solitary, yellow thumb.

Could you be more specific about which part you are acknowledging?

You know what, why don’t you tell me to go fuck myself instead, at least then we both know where we stand.

I expect this from my dad, he’s 147 years old and hasn’t typed a full sentance since 2008.

Happy birthday Dad x

👍

Aww, I love you

👍

Fancy a cuppa?

👍

But if you’re under 65.. explain yourself.

Is it really too much for you to type actual words?

I feel exhausted on your behalf.

2: Communication crimes

‘Hi’

That’s it.

That’s the entire message.

I’m sorry but did you die?

Are you a vampire.. do you need inviting over the threshold?

Say something. Or don’t message me again. I don’t have time to stare at my screen waiting for a sentence to form.

Not today.

‘Can you give me a quick call?’

Not unless you tell me a why.

How can I emotionally prepare for a phone call with zero context?

Is someone dead? Am I in trouble?

What are you playing at?

TELL ME SOMETHING.

And the quick call, is never quick. You lied. I timed it and it’s been 47 minutes. I had plans. I was watching something.

‘I need to tell you something, I’ll call you later’

And then nothing.

Oh good, great.. love that for me.

Three days of absolute silence so my brain can do the work.

Is it about me? It’s definitely about me.. what did I do.. when did I do it.. oh my god, is she having an affair? Should I apologise.. do I ask further questions?

I haven’t slept.

Please for the love of god, if you open with ‘I need to tell you something’, you have approximately 7 seconds to tell me EXACTLY what before I completely unravel.

People who answer two of your three questions and somehow miss the only one you cared about.

How? It was right there. Did you think it was decorative?

Don’t make me embarrass myself by asking again.

3: The old Houdini

People who houdini out of your life for weeks.. months.. years, only to appear, just in time to need something 👏

The audacity of this one is absolutely breathtaking.

‘I’m sorry to ask but…’

No you’re fucking not because if you were, you’d understand social etiquette.

You were sorry the first three times and at this point I just think you’re taking the piss.

And, ‘we really need to catch up’ from someone I’ve been trying to see for six years.

Do we though? Do we really?

Because if we did, we would have by now.

So let’s both stop lying and agree to the annual ‘Happy Birthday’ and hugs at weddings.

Much more feasible.

4: Self sabotagers

People who do the same thing repeatedly then seem absolutely gob smacked when they get the same result.

I’m going to need you to hear me on this one. If you have done the thing, received the outcome, done the thing AGAIN, received the SAME outcome and now you’re on your forth go around.. at what point do you start labelling this a choice?

I’m asking genuinely because I’m running out of sympathetic faces and I only had a few to begin with.

5: Workplace violations

Meetings that appear in your calendar without your consent.

I’m sorry but what the actual?!

I had plans.

I’ve just got into my pajamas and now what.. I’ve got to get back in my good clothes.

No.

Why don’t you just turn up at my house while you’re at it.

And then right at the end, Karen’s got another quick question.

There’s always one and it’s always her.

I’ve been thinking about lunch the past 40 minutes.. I’ve got washing to put out.

Wing it like the rest of us.

6: iPhone violations

‘Sent from iPhone’

Brilliant.

I spent forty five minutes composing that professional email. Reread it three times and now everyone knows I own an iPhone.

Thanks for that. Really pulls the whole thing together.

Autocorrect.

Can we stop.

At this point it feels personal. Because I’ve never once typed any of these words into my phone but here we are again, making me look like a pervert in front of people I respect.

‘Tuesday doesn’t work sexually’

Great. I’ll just die then. Along with any ounce of credibility I had left.

The charging cable that’s slightly too short to reach the bed.

Why?

Why do I have to make a choice between charging my phone and being comfortable?

This is not a decision I should be making in 2026.

Please do better.

7: University twang

People who change their voice, depending on who they’re speaking with.

Just no.

I grew up with you, we went to the same school.. we played out on the same estate. You’ve never once encountered a silver spoon so let’s just reel that in shall we.

And it’s always the same voice. That general, non specific, nobody knows where the hell it’s from.. it can only be described as ‘university’.

We all hear it, we all hate it.

Turn it in.

Put your voice back.. the one from the same postcode as me.

9: Backhanded compliments

‘Oh, you’re dressed up’

Just say something nice Susan or shut your face.

Why have you got to make it weird and leave me standing here wondering whether you’ve complimented me, insulted me or both.

I don’t have the energy to decode you today.

10: Pavement raiders

Our elderly citizens, we love you.

We also respect the fact you’ve been walking these pavements longer than us and earned your stripes out here.

Doesn’t mean I should have to throw myself in a hedge just to pass you lot walking six abreast on the pavement though does it?

I missed the crossing and now I’ve got to wait a whole 2 minutes until the next one.

I love you. But we all need you to move.

Thanks.

11: The interrupted conversation

I love kids. I love my friends. But let me tell you what I don’t love.. those two things together.

Will the world collapse if we finish this conversation? Will your child be scarred for life if he stops climbing on you for 60 seconds?

Three times I’ve asked you for your parmigiana recipe and I’m yet to hear how it ends.

I think about it way more than I should.

So there we have it. As it turns out.. I’m not as laid back as I thought.

But listen (autocorrected to ‘Lauren’ because why not?!), I’m not naive enough to think I don’t live on anyone else’s list.

Of course I do.. numerous times probably.

And that’s fair.

But this also isn’t their list. It’s mine.

You’re welcome.

JoJo x

P.s - come find me in my free WhatsApp community HERE where I’ll be ranting about something completely different by Monday 😌